First Things

Today is a day of firsts.

I have been on my own with SweetBaby all day, and I'll be on my own with both girls until late tonight. I also ran errands with SweetB on my own today, which is also a first. Up till now, RevDad has always been with. It all went well, to my immense relief.

It gives me some confidence and hope that I can handle our new reality as I head back to work. I managed to get Lil' Princess fed without too much stress. She and I worked together to get the Halloween treat bags ready for her class on Friday, and had fun doing it. The only thing I'm not going to do is Lil' P's bath. SweetB is awake and demanding, and I just don't feel quite up to how much work it is to get Lil' P bathed. She is....high maintenance when it comes to bath time. We'll do it tomorrow night when RevDad is around for back-up.

It felt really good to get out of the house, and not feel completely tied down and trapped. SweetB's colic is getting a bit better, so I feel more positive about being able to take her places. Now if the nasty germs weren't everywhere, I'd feel no reservations about taking her with me wherever I go. We don't want any of the influenzas to visit our house!

It has felt good to start doing the work that needs to get done to be prepared for Sunday, my first official day back at work (thought actually I've put in work time throughout the maternity leave). For the first time, I feel like this is do-able!

Under the Weather

The sickness continues at our place. Lil' Princess and I still are under the weather, a week later. Actually, my cough is worse, and my back went out this week, so I'll be going in to the clinic today.

The clinic and hospital are places you want to avoid these days. The cases of swine flu and influenza A are rampant, I'm surprised that any of our local schools have stayed open this week. So many students and teachers are ill, including Lil' P's teacher. The clinics can't keep up with the load of patients, I'm truly surprised I got an appointment this week, all the doctors are overloaded. The scheduler at our clinic sounded frazzled and exhausted when I called.

I go back to work in a week, and I'm concerned about many things, including still being sick. We still have to figure out how we're going to manage juggling my work and taking care of SweetBaby. That stresses me out! We don't have daycare, and SweetB is still colic-y, and I have some really tough work situations waiting for me, and on and on and on. I'm trying to stay calm and not freak out, but I am such a natural-born worrier (thanks Dad!).

So I'm looking for some good health, and some serenity. God grant me the serenity...

Sick

RevDad and I are debating whether Lil' Princess and I have a cold, or a milder form of the flu. I did the symptom checker on the Mayo Clinic site, and it says that it could be either.

Dry cough, worst at night
Runny nose for Lil' P, a lot of drainage for me
Fever of 100 during the day for both of us, goes up to 102.6 for Lil' P at night
Tired out

So who knows what this bug is! I just hope that RevDad and SweetBaby don't catch it.

RevGals Friday Five - Happy Feet

This week's Friday Five is about footwear...and is kinda fun!

1. What is your favorite footwear at this time in your life?
I have a pair of brown Mary Jane slip-ons that are sooooo comfortable and look pretty spiffy. I like the combination of comfy and pretty, which can be hard to find.

2. What was the craziest shoe, boot, or sandal you ever wore?
Ya know, I know that I'm pretty boring, because I can't think of a single crazy one! The closest is a pair of soft sneakers I had in high school that had a zipper pocket on each shoe. The pockets were just big enough to put a couple of coins in it. I thought it was so cool that I would always be able to have enough change to make a phone call if I needed to (in those ancient times before cell phones, and pay phones were everywhere).

3. What kind of shoes did you wear in your childhood?
Tennis shoes or black flats (which we wore without socks, even in the middle of winter) for school. Dressy flats for church and other dress-up events, back when you actually dressed up for church.

4. How do you feel most comfortable? Barefoot, flip-flops, boots, or what?
When I'm hanging around the house, I prefer to be barefoot even in winter, which my husband thinks is crazy. When I have to wear shoes, I run around in tennis shoes or other comfy shoes.

5. What kind of socks do you like, if any?
Soft white cotton...have you picked up on the focus on comfortable?

Bonus: Anything you want to share about feet or footwear.
I have just recently discovered the joys of a good pedicure, so I'm actually taking better care of my feet, instead of ignoring them. I am so low-maintenance in my personal grooming, but I am discovering the fun of paying more attention to such things. Who knows, maybe a manicure is actually in my future!

Icy Wednesday

School is two hours late today because of icy road conditions. We're supposed to have snow changing to rain all day today, so we'll see if school gets called off early too. I'm concerned we might not be able to get the 24 miles down the road to the town with our clinic. SweetBaby has her check-up today, and I have a lot of questions for our doctor!

So right now Lil' Princess is looking through all our theology books, asking why there are so many highlighted parts in them ('cause she's not allowed to write or draw in her books, so why are we???) RevDad is trying to convince SweetBaby to stay asleep. I'm looking around the living room, wondering how the house can become a disaster zone so quickly.

Today I am doing something rare, I am doing something to truly pamper myself. I have an appointment to get a pedicure at the hair salon here in town (as long as she can get into town from her place!) I've only had one once before, and discovered to my surprise that I really enjoy it. It was really relaxing, and fun to have pretty toes. My back hurts, my head hurts, I'm exhausted, so maybe a little pampering will help the situation.

Oh, it's my turn to walk the floor with SweetBaby. Time to sing!

I've been thinking...

Ok, now that I'm getting over my snit...thank your for your patience...

I've been thinking about pursuing some graduate work. My challenge is that I'm interested in too many things. I'd love some more work in Youth and Family ministry. I'd love to explore studies in Preaching. And there's my original passion and interest, the intersection of psychology and theology. I'm just not sure what would fit me the best, and be the best asset to my ministry. (And I'm not sure how I would juggle job, family and studies, especially now with a baby.)

What has prompted these reflections is the fact that my current parish is probably going to fall apart within the year in response to the ELCA's Sexuality Statement passed at this year's assembly. Since I have a very big chance of being out of a job by early 2010, it has started me thinking about what's next.

We want to move back to our "home" territory, and be closer to family...and civilization. We're interested in exploring perhaps serving together at a call. I'm pretty sure I want to continue with a part time call. Being able to be home with my children, and not gone all the times at meetings and events is a luxury I hope I can continue to have. I want to settle somewhere where we can stay for a good long time, and give our kids some stability, if that's possible for pastors.

It's all pretty nebulous right now. And I've been told that there aren't that many openings right now because pastors in my denomination aren't moving as much because of the economy. But I have to trust that we'll be guided to the wheres and whats. I started to fill out the mobility paperwork, which really is the first step. These forms are a huge pain in the behind, but they do force you to think about where you've been, where you want to be, and who you are as a pastor. It's going to take a few months to finish them, but hopefully the process will help me clarify some things for myself and my family.

So what's next? I don't know. As my sister-in-law tells me, it's one day at a time. As scripture tells me, don't worry about tomorrow, today's troubles are enough for today. I just have a hard time remembering that, and giving myself over to the process. I want the end result, the answers, right now!

Never Mind

I expressed my wish to develop some hopes and dreams in a couple of different places. The responses I have gotten overall has been people pretty much making fun of me. While I know that no one has to take me seriously about anything, and it may have sounded silly to others, that response still kinda pisses me off. It was a serious question, and some serious pondering.

So I'll ponder on my own and not bother anyone with my thoughts.

Yes, I'm annoyed.

Unanswered Question

I was staring blankly at the TV the other day (which happens pretty often now that we're up at all hours day and night with a cranky baby) and I caught a part of Oprah. Now I haven't seen an episode of Oprah in years, and have never been that interested in watching. But it was on, I was conscious but didn't dare move from my seat until the baby was definitely asleep, so I watched.

Oprah told the story of a woman from Africa who had a dream of coming to America and getting an education. Everything was stacked against her, she had a very moving story. But after 20 years of struggle, she now lives in America, has a Bachelor's degree, a Master's degree, and is a few month's away from a PhD. The premise of her presentation was that a person's hopes and dreams are attainable.

It really struck me. Besides being horrified by the situations she came out of (refused education by her father, married off at age 11, stuck with a husband who beat her), I was so moved by her tenacious commitment to her dreams, and her refusal to give up on them. I started asking myself, what are my hopes and dreams? The sad thing is, I didn't have an answer. I couldn't think of any.

This is really bothering me. I find myself thinking alot about this, and doing some soul- searching. I'm not sure where this will lead me, but I know that it matters deeply to me. In my current call, I had already realized that I have felt little to no passion for the ministry, but have chalked it up to the isolation and depression. But now I see that this lack of passion is connected to a lack of personal hopes and dreams for myself. I have hopes for my children, my husband, my other family and friends. But none for myself. So I'm trying to set myself on a path to some self-discovery. I'm not sure how, but I know it matters.