Pain

I've been out of contact for a while now.
Out of my mind for a while.
Pain is a constant companion now, and discomfort.
Wrenching gut pain, pounding throbbing head pain. Fuzzy head, hard to think. So very tired most every moment. Emotionally distressed, spiritually distressed.

But this is actually better than before. Pretty sh%$$y, right? I'm "in process" of being treated. It could be far, far worse. And supposedly by this fall, I'll be feeling pretty normal again.

What the hell is normal? I have no f*^@ing clue anymore. Hard to hold on to the hope, the promise of better, of this thing called normal.

I realized the other day that this particular health drama has been going on now for just over a year now. I've been a near invalid off and on, and the sickest I've ever been for a YEAR now. I keep reminding myself that there are many who live with chronic pain, chronic conditions, and that I am so very fortunate that I can still work to a certain extent, still function pretty well. I can walk, talk, sing, dance,bake brownies, lead worship, and read books to my girls. And kiss my husband.

So, keep the gratitude levels up as much as I can, focus on the promise of the future, kiss and hug my family a lot, and stop focusing so much of my emotional and spiritual energy on things I cannot change.

And keep praying for my mother, my awesome, loving, kick-butt mom who is going to come through her cancer surgery just fine, thank you very much.